Hello, My Name is Runa & I am a Healthy & Balanced Eater
Well…that is what I want to be. I just can’t bring myself to claim forever that I am a compulsive overeater. It may be the truth, but my deep believe and faith really leans toward calling myself what I want to be/see come to pass. So, therefore… I am a Healthy and Balanced Eater. That is my claim!!
I went to OA on Monday. It was WONDERFUL!! I loved seeing some of the same people and getting to meet some new folks. There was not a focus on a specific step this week. Someone shared their story and turned it into a round. The question was: what do you remember attributing to your current relationship with food? I thought that was so amazing because I just posted about that last week!! Wow… how awesome is that??!!
Last week, I was under more stress than usual with some family affairs and I found myself eating emotionally. Whether it was because I was happy or sad or feeling overwhelmed… I ate… I ate a lot. But, I noticed it. I was mindful of it. That was new. That was different. That was not like the me of the past one or two months… who had fallen into old old patterns of anything anytime just blindly going into my mouth. And then - well, then amazingly - yesterday I wanted to “fix” my problem by getting a chocolate chunk muffin. It was calling my name and willing to soothe me. But I stopped. I thought of the OA tools and thought about writing out my emotions instead. I knew I didn’t have time at work, but took a moment to imagine myself doing it. I thought I might have a nervous breakdown.
I am not good with death. Death and I never have gotten along. When I have to be “on” during the whole ceremony that goes along with it, I can be what I need to be, but after that is all done, and the body is burried, and everyone goes home, and people stop calling to say they want to say they are sorry and ask what they can do… then I am left alone with the feelings. And I want to eat. But no food or medication can - or should - be used to really get me through this time of grief and sadness when someone has died in the family and they will never be back and no one can change that. I have to heal slowly with time. It just is like that.
So, I didn’t have the muffin. At least, I didn’t have it right then when I thought it would solve my emotional grief. I ate the muffin about two hours later when I was hungry and I needed to eat some food. So, it was a more wise time to have it. I am SO proud of myself and I hope to be even more proud of myself as I continue to eat more mindfully and guage when I am eating out of an emotional need or when I am eating to satisfy actual hunger.
Yay!!
Result Of Welfare System mentality?
I was talking to my friend on Sunday. I know where my binge eating habit comes from. It was how we lived all throughout my childhood.
Mom would get her cash portion of $437.00 every month for 15 and a half years. Plus, she’d get about $100.00 or so in Food Support to buy food for us. Grandma would take us grocery shopping when mom got her food stamps and mom would load the cart with eveything possible. We’d get home and put it all away and it was like thanksgiving. We had food again!! We’d plow through it in about two - two and a half - weeks and then there was the food shelf that could help once a month. That would last for about a week. Then, one week to go and there would be random foods left in the house and we’d be like hawks eyeing what was there - our minds workins overtime - trying to see what few ingredients we might need to make this or that. And then the begging - oh wait, I mean the asking - started. I’d have to go around to all my friend’s moms and ask for the one or two ingredients until we got what we needed. Failing at that, mom would make me call grandma. And soon, although it felt like forever, mom would get her money and her Food Support and we’d start our viscious cycle again. To this day, I can’t bulk shop and think that I will just leave stuff alone until later… no, I still inhale food. It was 15 years of that and I’ve only tried two or three serious times to break the habit. But I never looked at why I had it in the first place. I am going to start now.
Fitness and Nutrition: Doing what you love and practicing consistency is the best method
I’m tired of hearing people go back and forth bout training methods and what’s best. I’ll put it out there, straight forward, no B.S.- the best training method is the one in which you will execute! I don’t care if you do Crossfit, bodybuilding, marathons, triathlons, or whatever it may be: follow…
Only Fooling Myself
Hello! I hadn’t intended to stay gone so long… funny thing is on the way back to my computer to blog… ha ha ha! No, really. I was struggling with a serious bought of depression that has been plaguing me for awhile and I just fell into a space where it prevented me from functioning much at home - especially when it came to my physical and emotional health - eating, exercising, blogging, spending much time with anyone. Aside from work and some appointments… I was here, in my place (my cocoon as my therapist likes to refer to it) and I would not come out until I had to go to work the next day. Just me and my cats. And my thoughts… a few movies… and a few phone calls. If I were to have tried to keep up the blog, the only person I would have been fooling would have been myself and I didn’t need to daily put all my suffering on a lifelong record.
I am in contact with my trainer to get back into a routine with him. We’ve been playing tag for the most part as of yet, but I hope to begin something by next month… even if it is my own personal training routine (like 5K in 100 days developed by Brad Gangsberg) or whether it be working with a trainer or both or just going out for Spring walks along the greenway. I am also trying to work on my eating habits. I have kept my weight stable since my last Weight Watchers weigh in. But, I am really getting to the point where I want to lose. I want to get back on the wagon and DO THIS!! So, why wait until May to start a program?
I’ll be honest. I have a house to clean - seriously physical labor clean. I turned into a bit of a hoarder over the last month and some serious Spring cleaning is in order and will be my physical labor until the house is done. Sad, but true. So, I think one week of after work labor will be adequate. Then starting next weekend, I can hit the scales, hit the pavement or the treadmill and start the good ol’ engine going again.
I so look forward to sharing my journey with you as I rise up above this past few weeks/months and continue to push forward and continue to become the being that I was born to be!
Blasts From The Past
Have you ever randomly went through your archives and hit on different dates and read what you wrote “back then”? I just spent the last hour or so doing that and I can tell you, I have come SO far in many different areas of my life. My actual weight LOSS not being one of them. :(
But, I am more healthy in so SO So so many other ways: mentally, emotionally, even physically, but the weight, just hasn’t changed all that much. Oh, and I am getting healthier financially! Things are really looking up and I am so excited - much more so - about life now than I have been probably the entire time I’ve had this blog - well, at least more excited than the posts I fell upon tonight!!
My desire right now is to continue to work on the weight and exercise, get the finances in order and set myself up for a savings account to get ready to move out of this “beloved” (not really what I am saying in my mind) state, work with my doctors to hopefully get off some medication instead of adding more and more… and I want to clear up some of the clutter that I have accumulated in the last many years of living in Minnesota.
It’s going to be different moving out of state with a truck. Now that I have furniture from my grandparent’s home… I am not going to give it up… so that is coming with me for sure! So, I will keep some larger things, but there have to be other things I can get rid of. To get a grasp on the weight issue, I am going to be using either My Fitness Pal or Spark People starting Sunday. For my finances, I have been reading articles online on www.dailyworth.com for months and while putzing around their site, I found out about www.mint.com!! I love Mint!! If you’ve never heard of it, you should definitely check it out!! It is really helpful overall picture of your finances and helps you to find ways to save and shows you your transactions from all sources of income and outgo of your finances… I just love it! [No, Mint has not paid me to talk about their product. They do not know I am talking about them and they have not provided ANY TYPE of compensation at all.]
As far as getting the rest of my life in order… I’ll be doing a lot just day by day… things are changing at work and, of course, as I get closer to needing to move, there will be the job search and interviews… I know what apartment complexes I am looking at and interested in and am not too worried about that much. The biggest challenge will be working with my doctors to get me off medication. Especially when I sit here laughing at my one dear older doctor - bless his heart - but I asked him “What has to happen to tapper me off some of these medications?” and he replied, “Well, you’re not on that high of dosages.” My supervisor does that too… so maybe it’s a male thing, but that answer didn’t even go with the question!! Oi-vey!! I might have to wait until I am safely out of state and working with a new doctor down under.
I am so excited about the future - and the fact that I have one. Because after reading some of the postings that I wrote, I wasn’t sure about myself there for a minute. If I wasn’t sure about the outcome, I was going to worry about the woman who wrote those postings! But, now, I am much MUCH more upbeat and hopeful and ready for the future. Well, for right now :P
Most Definitely Not!!
Well, I decided the answer to my last question and the questions that I had floating in my head that I hadn’t shared with you. I apologize for my long hiatus, but March just slipped on by me and I barely realized it. April is almost upon us and I swear yesterday it was March 4th!! But, no… It was not worth it to keep hurting myself. I am going to put my health as a priority still, but I am not putting it as my number 1 priority as I had before. Mostly because I was paying a considerable portion of my income for my gym membership, a trainer, Weight Watchers, and supplements and trying to buy the “right” foods… and for MONTHS I did not move and the reason… I wasn’t trying as hard and my heart was no longer in it as it was before!!
So, what does that mean for my life and this blog? Well, both will continue, obviously… they are just going to be a little different. I am going to be pursuing either My Fitness Pal or SparkPeople again and I haven’t decided which one… but I better pick fast, because I wan’t to start fresh on April 1! And I will continue to blog about my path of healthiness and my pursuit to lose weight. I have already stopped working with my trainer… as awesome and wonderful as he is!! I miss him so much already :( And I have gone to my LAST Weight Watchers meeting as of last Saturday. Now, I am just trying to catch the manager at the gym to cancel my membership. I am going to push myself to use what is available at the apartment complex where I live and the greenway path just behind the complex.
My number one pursuit in life… chasing God!! I used to live in Moscow, Russia and I knew phenomenal missionaries there and went to an amazing church and was treated with the utmost care and respect by everyone - even the men… I mean really… it was amazing. It shaped and changed me and put my head on right. When I moved back to the United States, I soon after moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma and worked for the states-side office for my pastor from Moscow and the people that I associated with were much like the people that I knew in Moscow… it was a strange thing for me considering my past and what I was used to. However, having moved back to Minneapolis, Minnesota… I have backslidded so far that God wasn’t on the back burner… I had put Him in the back corner of some random cupboard!! It wasn’t intentional… but it happened. I knew that I needed to leave Minnesota a long time ago, but I was in a relationship that was at the time so precious to me and I felt that it was more important for me to be able to see that person than it was for me to follow the leading of God speaking into my heart.
I moved to Minnesota for other people… I stayed in Minnesota for other people… but I’ll be gosh darned if I am going to stay in Minnesota for anyone but God. But, I have a feeling that by this time next year - if not sooner - I’ll be in the comfortable will of God for my life… chillaxin’ back in Tulsa and going to my amazing church and walking my butt off! I’ve already been checking out the jobs they have down there for county/city work and it seems comparable to what I am doing here… Plus the cost of living is SO MUCH less down south! I currently live in an efficiency in a part of town where they can get away with charging an arm and a leg due to location. But for less - like over a hundred dollars less, I can move myself to Tulsa and get a 2 bedroom-2 bath apartment just by myself and not even need a roommate! It’s all I can do not to start packing up right now!! But I am going to honor my current lease and I have some other things that I need to take care of before I move. But, it is coming in the near future… and I’ll be ready!!!
And… if God impresses it upon me to stay? Well I’ll stay if God tells me to, but not for a person… not this time… not again… I don’t care how cute the kid is… I don’t care what concert or play of their’s I am going to miss… I am not doing it! Sorry, but NO!! This time… It is about me and where I am supposed to be!! Because I could be in a war zone and be in the will of God and be safer than being in Minnesota out of the will of God. Let me tell ya… I’ve experienced both sides of the coin since I became serious about my Christianity. I’ve been in the will of God and I’ve been out of the will of God. I MUCH PREFER being in the will of God. You still have battles, you still have tough times… but when you are in the will of God… it is so much easier to stand tall and know that you will make it through and to keep yourself going strong! It is easier to overall balance your life… it is just a bit more centered than when you are living out of the will of God… like my trainer would say - just a tish bit different. So, my goal is to go back to where I last was at when I was in the will of God and I am going to see what happens from that point.
On my way, I will continue to blog about my journey of weight loss and trying to discover what being healthy means to me and how to move through the days, weeks, months, holidays, barbecues, birthdays, etc. without gaining a good 10 lbs just looking at the food on the table!! I will share any ideas that I come across and post my weight - hopefully some losses!! This will continue to be where I will talk about that stuff :) So, stay tuned and look forward to some posts coming about as I recharge and begin again in April!!
Is it worth it?
I am not giving up on the fight. I will Never Never NEVER give up on trying to live healthy and lose weight. Having said that, I wonder if paying for Weight Watchers and the gym membership and the personal trainer are all worth it. I have not done well for the past four months. Yes, my herniated disc in my lower back has been causing a lot of trouble and my muscles have been in spasm and I have barely been able to walk, much less try and work out for a good chunk of that time, but it still does not mean that I couldn’t have lost weight during that time.
March 3: 268.6 lbs.
My weigh in yesterday was down from the week before. But the week before was up almost 6 lbs from the week before that… I’ve been teetering between 265-270ish lbs. since November. That is not cool. And I am in exquisite pain right now. I’ve been up for hours because of it. I can barely move while on my bed. Sitting is difficult, going from one position to another feels bloody painful and forget trying to walk… that just kills me!
You want to know why I am in so much pain. Kettleball. My trainer made me bend over and swing that blasted ball back and forth and I told him it hurt my back. I was given a pep talk on how the little pain that I feel in the moment was minimal in comparison to the overall benefit that I would get from the exercise that works your whole body. So, I pushed through and grunted in pain for the next two cycles that I had. Then, the next day, I woke up and could barely turn over. There’s nothing I can do about it. The pain killers aren’t working and almost every movement I do pulls on that area somehow, someway. The only way to feel the least amount of pain is to be still. But that doesn’t really help… movement is supposed to work out the kinks…
I skipped out on a fabulous event last night because I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit through it. I was so sad that I didn’t even do my usual evening catch up call with one of my dear friends. I like being able to move around and walk easily. I just got over a two-week stint of this and now here I am again. I am so frustrated!!
So, here I am… ranting and raving… and now I am wondering… is it worth it? Or, should I go back to trying to do it on my own? I really am stuck. But, whatever I choose, I have to pick it soon and stick with it and sink my teeth back into it and push forward like my life depended on it - because my life does depend on it! I need to lose this weight for a LOT of reasons related to my quality of life and much of what I need to do in my future.
What would you do?
February Reckoning
Where oh where did this month go?? I’ll tell ya!! It went fast and furious!!
If you follow my Twitter account, you know pretty much what has been going on, but if not, I can fill you in somewhat. My dad did come to my office and all went well. I didn’t have any residual anger or anything like that. It was nice and simple and I introduced him to my coworkers and then verified with them if they thought he had one of those James Earl Jones’ voices. Yep, he does. I’m not the only one who thinks so.
The rest of the week went in a blur… I was on my first week of a new medication - yes ya’ll another new medication. I don’t know when I get to start going off medication, but they sure like to give it to me. So, it altered me and my responses a bit and made me very fuzzy headed even though it usually speeds people up. Not me, I guess. That Friday, I ended up not texting something to the liking of one of my friends and instead of talking anything through with me, she sold off my ticket to an event we were to go to together on Sunday. I, being under the influence of this new medication and stubborn in my own right, bought myself a new ticket of my own to the event and decided I was going anyway. Whatever crack she was smoking. Then Saturday, I went to a free African Music Ensemble that was just amazing! It was also my first day of a double dose of my new medication and long story short - I ended up accidentally taking a turn into on-coming traffic because my reflexes were too slow in realizing that the green turn arrow had turned into a green light and I no longer had the right of way. By a miracle, I slid right through an open spot. I didn’t hit anyone and no one hit me. I kept on going and I haven’t had an issue since then.
Sunday came around and I went to the ballet and it was amazing!! I was in the front row… lots of leg room and no heads to look over :) I could imagine that I was back in Russia somewhere or anywhere for that matter and for just a moment in time… I was no longer “stuck” in the United States of America. I loved that feeling of freedom and I loved the ballet… it was strong and powerful and graceful and beautiful. I am SO glad that I went and despite the difference with the other woman and the fact that I thought that all the others therefore had an issue with me because of it… I had a great time and just felt that it was sad that not one person came and talked to me instead of going on assumptions or whatever was happening. But I wasn’t going to start anything… I just went on to church.
That week was pretty hard because it held the anniversary of my mother and grandfather’s deaths. And I was very fortunate that on the actual day, things in my life and at work went very smoothly. That whole week - again - seemed to go by in a blur. Here and there this month, I have been in exquisite pain from my lower back acting up and my muscles going into spasm. The fact was that during the first week of the month a couple of times there I should have gone to the hospital for an injection of morphine, but I just laid out a towel and set down on the floor for awhile and let myself rest. I pushed through pretty well and salvaged what I could of my time. When the weekend of the 18th came… it was another weekend packed with things to be done. My friend and I had tickets to the AMC movie theatres Best Picture Showcase. That Saturday we watched 4 of the movies that were nominated for Best Picture for the Oscars. Then on Sunday, I rested and had to go back to church. On Monday, I did some picking up around the house and went to work out with my trainer.
Then the biggest turnabout of my life since I’ve been in Minnesota took place. The yearly stewardship campaign started up at the church. I decided to go. I wasn’t going to be there for the stewardship part, I was going to hear what Pastor Rodney Howard Browne had to say. He is a missionary to the USA from South Africa. He is dynamic and powerful in his speech and I always learn something. But on Tuesday… I don’t know what it was that was said, but it pierced my very soul. It may have been Pastor Rodney or it may have been his friend that he brought with him, Apostle Guillermo Maldonado. They both ministered that Tuesday evening. And on Wednesday, I was calling down to Tulsa Oklahoma where I used to work at a ministry office years ago. I talked with the mother of my Pastor from Russia and told her that I am now believing God and praying for the spiritual life I had in Moscow. At first she didn’t know what I meant, but then I explained it to her.
I many other countries, there aren’t the organized systems that we get to take for granted of finances and healthcare. I know I can go to a hospital and be taken care of. I know that I can count on a few of my family members or friends to come through and help me in a time of need and that no one will truly let me go without. But in Russia, besides prayer and letting me stay a night here or a night there… when I was homeless for 5 weeks… I had to believe God… God had to come through or else! I had no way to return to the United States and there was no one around to help me. My “walk” with God was one of strong faith and great belief while in Moscow because I lived on so little that I had to believe for it to stretch to accommodate so much. So, I grew to really believe God and the Bible and I saw many miracles take place in my life during that time in Moscow. No one could tell me that God wasn’t real. But, here in the United States… more so here in Minneapolis, Minnesota… I’ve become reliant on myself and my ability to work and earn money and my friends and family and the healthcare system…. God isn’t even on the stove much less the back burner… and it was time for me to readjust my priorities. So, we prayed together.
I went back to church on Wednesday, and Thursday and Friday. It was amazing and the impartation and the teaching that was there was just divine utterance at its best!! I really believe that by putting God back as the hub of my life, the rest will fall back into place. I’ve even considered moving back to Tulsa within the next year or so. This city is too familiar to me… maybe by going back to Tulsa it might ‘keep me out of trouble’ so to speak. But, we shall see what this next year has to bring me. God can do more in one second than we can do in a lifetime if it is what needs to get done to move forward. So I am not worried too much.
This last Saturday, my friend and I went back to the theatre for the rest of the nominated movies. It was fun to watch them all and vote on them. It was also a really good deal. Because you pay for a package, but then they give you a gift card to the concession stand and you can get another amount back if you used their special card to purchase the package and it is just a good deal all around.
Sunday was an awesome time back at church and then out with the cell group and Monday I woke up not well at all. I barely made it to my appointment and then came home straightway and slept until evening. Tuesday was the same except I missed my appointment and slept through the day until evening. Today I feel back on track and ready to go. So I hope that today will be a good day. I just didn’t get much sleep. Hopefully that will mean that tonight I will sleep well :)
So, that is a full recap of the month. I haven’t worked out much or even signed on to the Weight Watchers online eTools that I have and it has taken a back seat to my pain and other events going on this month. But, I figure that it will come into its own again and that I will still be working with my trainer so it will balance out.
That is what I am looking for most - balance!!
Readjusting My Priorities
Hello there!! Just a quick note to let ya’ll know that I am still here. Things went very well when my dad came around. The month has been very busy and full of much adventure and… for much of the time…I had to readjust my priorities and put some other things before my blog. However… I think that I’ll be able to get back to it more regularly as we get on into the month of March. I’ve got another big decision before me. I’ve got to decide if I am going to continue with Weight Watchers. The last few weeks, I’ve been going just to weigh in. I didn’t even show up on time for the meeting nor did I care. I have barely logged into the online tools either and just don’t see a point in paying for it if all I am going to do is drive across town to step on a scale once a week. That’s not worth it!! So, I don’t know how to make that decision or how much time to give myself rather… I’d appreciate any ideas! More to come another post about what I’ve been up to & what priorities have changed & what that might mean for my blog :)
Good Monday Morning?
I am up this morning and feeling quite a bit of pain in my hips going into my lower buttocks, back, and through my legs. This does not fair well with me at all!! However, I have gotten some work done on the computer… and I am getting ready to head into the office for the day.
I have to say that I am a tish bit nervous. I am planning on bringing what I can for healthy munchies, but if I have to break the bank and get some chocolate for that emotional urge… I might just do it. My father is one of hundreds of thousands of recipients of some sort of government aid. He is quite older than my mother was and yesterday, while my car was broken down and not starting, I had called to ask him what he thought about my car. During that conversation, he told me he was going to be in my office for some business and he was hoping to see me. Now, I do love my father, but I haven’t seen him, but once or twice since I’ve moved back up to Minneapolis. So, it’s been at least some years… (most of my family is really tight like this [you know, we share the same DNA and that is about it])… so my stomach is turning in knots and I am really nervous. I am excited on one hand and I am raging angry and want to just fillet him like a fish on the other hand. He’s my dad… I love him… and today my job is just to focus on that one good thing… not the rest of it.
Then, after work, I get to workout, hopefully, with my trainer and we’ll get to get out all that pent up, not dealt with emotion that is trapped in my body. I hope. That will be something to look forward to for sure :) Then, I can come home to my peaceful home and do whatever I need to get done here and I will be able to press forward on for the rest of the week.
However, if you have any ideas: Can you tell me of breathing exercises or mini meditations to do at work to help me make it through the day at work?
About Me
Seems like each year, I evolve and the mission and purpose of my life and self evolves. I feel like this year, I am like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes. This year, Runa is rising!
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